How To Be an Anti-Racist White Knight

Your Equitable Guide To Being a White Ally

I have a new piece out in the latest issue of Queer Majority, about finding common ground between equity and equality, and why we should raise the floor rather than lower the ceiling. You can read it here.

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Are you a virtuous, cosmopolitan progressive? Do you enjoy a nice pumpkin spice mocha-caramel latte? Are you a nonbeliever with a vaguely religion-shaped hole to fill? Are you white? Is your skin the pallid, pigmentless hue of demon semen? If you died today, are you sure that your soul would be on the right side of history? Then let us introduce you to the wonderful, enriching, and mentally healthy world of anti-racist activism! You are no doubt aware of the long history of racism in America, from the monstrous institution of slavery, to Jim Crow laws, to the Civil Rights movement and beyond. But you may be shocked to learn that no progress has ever been made on race in America, and we’re hardly a step removed from the Antebellum South.

Black people by the hundreds of trillions are hunted like animals and executed in the streets by those badged Klansmen known as cops. The howitzers of systemic racism and white supremacy riddle Black and Brown bodies with the bullets of microaggressions and exhausting emotional labor. Worst of all, the existence of white people continues unabated. It’s up to you to fight back against this pale peril, this milky menace, this alabaster apocalypse, from the comfort of your middle class home.

Chip in and do your part to ruin the lives of people who’ve committed minor or nonexistent offenses, or whose job or success you envy, or who can’t keep up with the breakneck pace of change we’re shoving down their throats. You can begin doing the work of atoning for your whiteness — one unsubstantiated public accusation, sociopathic mobbing, and poolside retweet at a time.

Understanding What You Are

Once upon a time, humanity lived in peace and harmony. Then white people exploded onto the scene, colonizing, enslaving, oppressing, and appropriating wherever they went. Forget what you think you know from lying white history books; bigotry, slavery, conquest, and oppression are not human universals that nearly every civilization has participated in — only white people have done them. This legacy of singular evil has culminated in the white supremacist hellscape known as the Imperialist States of America.

White Supremacy is everywhere. It penetrates and binds all things. Think of it like the Force from Star Wars. Now, this may seem like ascribing superhuman powers to white people, as though they’re gods or something — but if white people are supreme beings, they are white supremecist beings.

What does this mean for you, as an aspiring white ally? First, recognize that you are personally responsible for all the pain, suffering, hate, and unfairness in the world. You must seal yourself in an isolation tank of the soul, floating in liquid guilt as you meditate upon your complicity in every system of oppression that has ever existed. Some people may say that you cannot be held responsible for systems you had no hand in implementing — that people are individuals who should be judged by their actions and the content of their character rather than the color of their skin. These people are racist nazis, and should be flayed alive.

Simply by being white, you perpetuate horrible systems of domination. You have inherited the sins of your ancestors, and of everyone who vaguely looks like you, and you must live in shame all your life to atone for this original sin. If this sounds like Catholicism, don’t worry, it’s nothing of the sort — they believe in redemption.

While anti-racism opposes essentialism, it’s actually more nuanced than that. You see, our approach is a sort of cafeteria-essentialism. We reject genetics and human nature when discussing variance in ability or outcomes — and anyone caliper-wielding Mengele who peddles these blasphemies must be exterminated. But whenever they can be used to throw shade on “whiteness” and the mayo brigade, it’s A-OK (just never make that hand sign, or suffer accordingly).

The taint of your whiteness permeates everything you do, imbuing it with racism. You sleep in a racist bed. You walk with a racist gait. Your sweater is racist. Your breakfast cereal is racist, as is the way you eat it. You comb your hair in a racist way, and if you have no hair, then you’re just a skinhead. Inside the nucleus of every cell in your body is a little burning cross.

Equity Through Superiority

Now, some Black people may express the sentiment that, while flawed, they have achieved success under the current system, and are more or less happy with their lives. People may point to statistics that show Black Americans are the wealthiest Black population on earth, and that the United States is the number one destination for Black immigrants looking to build a better life. It is your solemn duty to explain to them how they’re wrong. Anti-racism always knows what’s best, no matter what any data or Black person may think. We should always elevate Black voices and defer to people of color in all things — unless, of course, they disagree with our message. When a person of color espouses centrist or conservative attitudes, they become functionally white — and it is impossible, by definition, to be racist to a white person. Remember, the answer to racism is more racism, just like Dr. King taught.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Police!

When evaluating the scourge of police, it is imperative to understand that every last officer is pure evil. Only racist psychopaths would join the force. That unassuming traffic cop standing idly next to a roadside construction site? He secretly longs for nothing more than to pummel Black bodies to death, like a Norwegian clubbing a baby seal.

You’re probably wondering, what about the Black police officers? That’s a valid question, and the answer is that they are race traitors Uncle Toms brainwashed by internalized racism, and no better than the collaborators who aided the Nazi regime. Some may cite polls showing Black people have a more favorable view of the police than the white devils liking your righteously indignant “ACAB” tweets, and that Black people tend to disproportionately suffer when policing is scaled back. Anyone who brings these up is a bootlicking police shill, exposing their fascist sympathies by using statistics. Never let a petty thing like the facts get in the way of your moral convictions!

So, what do we do about crime? The only reasonable response, of course, is to abolish the police entirely. Such policies are highly popular and cannot fail. Violent crime is simply the response to the oppressive white supremacist capitalist society we live in; if conditions were fair, things like rape, robbery, or murder wouldn’t happen. That incoherent guy down the street, high on bath salts, wielding a rusty knife, and harassing people at subway stops? He merely needs the soft touch of a government employee willing to hear his life story out.

But what if he gets violent? As hard as it is to believe, people sometimes use force irrationally. It might make sense to ensure that the social worker has the appropriate training to use force if necessary, to subdue the violent elements when there are no other options. You might even want them to have specialized training regarding the law, and authority vested in them by the state to act with force if necessary. This may sound like it’s just policing with extra steps, but it’s totally different. No, we won’t elaborate on how.

Segregation is the New Desegregation

It is essential that the purity of the races be maintained through colored-only no-white zones. Black and Brown people should be with other Black and Brown people, away from the violent and oppressive presence of whites. Pay no heed to critics who say that having values indistinguishable from David Duke, Strom Thurmond, or George Wallace is problematic. These ignoramuses clearly haven’t taken enough racial sensitivity courses. Remember, nothing says you’re against our new Jim Crow like being pro-segregation.

White people must never move into Black or Brown areas — to do so would be “gentrification”, which is another word for racist. Likewise, white people must never move out of neighborhoods of color — to do so would be “white flight”, which is also racist. What, then, is a good white ally to do? For most, constant guilt and self-flagellation will have to do, but for the most devout among you, the depths of your self-hatred can, in time, pierce the space-time continuum and blip you out of existence. The best thing a white person can do is to go back in time and undo themselves, like an alternate-ending Back to the Future where Marty McFly disappears on stage.

But How Do We Actually Combat Racism?

You might be wondering when we’re going to cover our strategies for reducing racism and ushering in a more enlightened society. How can this be achieved? That’s the thing — it can’t. The system is impossible to overcome, and the world is doomed to suffer eternally under the oppressive white supremacist order. We like to think of ourselves as activists, but by “activism” what we really mean is turning your public persona into one lifelong piece of performance art, while gaming this system to crush your professional competition and gain social brownie points online. Don’t think too hard about the dizzying tissue of contradictions and incoherencies in our ideology — it will only exhaust you, and logical consistency is a tool of white supremacy, anyway.

You are now equipped with the necessary knowledge to go out in the world and be an upstanding white ally. Go forth, and dedicate your life to exaggerated displays of virtue, learning the latest lingo, burning heretics, and holding people who don’t look like you to lower intellectual and moral standards. Remember, it’s our fault they’re inferior to us. None of this will erase your sin of being white, but it will make you better than the racist who merely coexists amiably with Black people and treats them as equals.

See also: “How To Be an Online Leftist”

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