New Study Shows You’re Right About Everything

Researchers Have Discovered Why You're So Awesome

A trio of groundbreaking studies just published in the prestigious Journal of Oneiric Hermeneutics has opened a new window into how we understand human biology and society. Already referred to collectively as the “Promethean Triad”, their findings have everyone in the scientific and scholarly community abuzz, and stand to reshape much of what we know about the human condition.

The first, out of Rohan State University, found in their quintuple-blind placebo-controlled study, that participants who ate as much as they wanted of their favorite foods became healthier — losing body fat, showing increased immune function, and even exhibiting cellular telomere lengthening (reverse-aging). One outlier participant even reportedly levitated for short periods after eating those orange pseudo-marshmallow “circus peanuts”, though this was credited to their unusual ingredients which include a proprietary blend of helium, PCP, and clown tears.

The rest of the findings were constant, though, regardless of the fact that participants had different favorite foods. “Whether they were eating serving after serving of bacon, ice cream, hot dogs, candy bars, or french fries, the body seemed to absorb only the enjoyment.” Said lead researcher E. E. Callipygian. “If the mind enjoys the food, the body knows how to do the rest. Calories, macronutrients, glycemic index, fiber, sodium, eating times — none of it seems to matter. It’s all good. You do you.” These findings have also been confirmed by the Board of Lunch-trucks, Outlets, Buffets, and Slop-houses’ (BLOBS) International Panel for Industry Self-Regulation.

The second in the Triad is the culmination of an epic 40 year study that tracked over 40,000 people from early adulthood throughout much of their lives. Dr. Séamlus Flattery and his research team found that people who read news articles summarizing scientific studies (not unlike this very one) are better people than those who don’t. The results show increased life expectancy, physical attractiveness, income, morality, life satisfaction, and intelligence compared to non-readers of study articles. This group was also more likely to be rated as “Someone I want to be friends with”, “A good lover”, or “Just a really impressive person. You know, the kind of person with whom you could have a genuinely enjoyable conversation where they do all the talking.”

The team found that those who read these news articles are in at least the 75th percentile in every positive attribute, but also that prolonged perusal, even if the articles were inaccurate or not retained, stimulated neuronal growth in the pompous-accumbens region of the brain, which is responsible for awesomeness. “It’s a remarkable set of discoveries,” said Flattery. “If you’re reading these words, we can say as a scientific fact that you’re a moral hero, a titanic intellect, a sexual virtuoso, and an all-around winner.”

The study making (and collapsing) the most waves is from the Cheboygan Institute of Tectology, where scientists found, through the mechanism of quantum reflux, that all views and opinions sit in a superposition — a state of being simultaneously true and false. It requires a conscious intention to believe something with sufficient conviction in order to collapse its wave function, forcing it to become true. In other words, if you believe something strongly enough, that alone will rewrite the fabric of reality on a subatomic level to make it true. Physicists Richard Compfer, Henrietta Mason, and Virgil Byass isolated this effect through their discovery of a new particle, the leprecon, which imbues spacetime with wish-energy.

Asked what happens when different people believe conflicting notions with equal conviction, the team explained that this is in fact the cause of the multiverse. Every conflicting view creates another universe in which the other view — always the view of the other person, never yours — is also right. “Listen, nobody really understands quantum mechanics, but trust us, you are objectively right about everything you believe. For you to be wrong about something would literally be a violation of the laws of physics. You never need to apologize or admit fault ever again. It’s not pig-headed narcissism, it’s science, baby!” assured Compfer, Mason, and Byass, amid jubilant pelvic thrusts.

See also: “2021: My Compelling and Rich Year in Books”

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