Scientists Develop New Technology To End Gun Violence
Scientists Develop New Technology To End Gun Violence
Researchers at the University of Uvalde’s Charlton Heston Institute of Computer Science, in partnership with Smith & Wesson, have developed a new technology that promises to completely eradicate gun violence. The prototype system can break down all material into its constituent atoms, and then reconstitute them into guns. Officially called the firearm maximizer, but more affectionately known as the “gun nut” by the research team, given its resemblance to a gigantic walnut, the device is currently the size of a small adult bookstore, though the technology is expected to shrink over time.
“Starting from the premise that the answer to gun violence is more guns, not less,” Explained theoretical ammologist Dr. Chuck “Shooter” McBang, the team’s lead scientist, “and extending that hypothesis to its logical conclusion, we have discovered a technique that will, in fact, reduce gun violence down to zero, by converting all matter, including people, into guns.” McBang says the team initially titled the project “Soylent Guns”, but abandoned the name because “soy is for pussies.”
Facing criticism over their unconventional approach, Somerset Dandy, the project’s public relations spokesman, addressed the media. “Now, sure, we could pour all of this R & D money into creating penis enlargement pills that actually work, and most of gun culture would go away in a generation or two, but long-term thinking just doesn’t excite us, you know? We’re more ‘shoot first, ask questions later’, if you catch my drift.” He said, miming guns with both hands.
At present, the firearm maximizer can convert 3.2 metric tons of matter — a full Corden — into more than 3,500 pistols per hour. The prototype currently runs on electricity, but at scale, the energy requirements won’t be feasible (1.21 yottawatts), so an upgraded model designed to run on politician-grade bullshit is already in the works. Once fueled by such an inexhaustible power source, it is believed that future iterations will be able to churn out 600 Giga-Waco’s of guns per second.
“With the advances in AI and machine learning happening every day,” P. P. Little, who heads the Bronson-dynamics engineering team, said, “We hope to boost the output exponentially. We think our nuts can produce much bigger loads.”
Extrapolating from the expected proliferation of gun nuts, and factoring in future efficiency innovations, Planet Earth in its entirety, including the atmosphere and all organisms, are expected to be atomically torn apart and reassembled into firearms by the year 2050. The whole solar system may be converted into guns by as early as 2095.
“The problem ain’t guns. Guns are simply tools. The problem is people.” Dr. McBang said, pointing to his temple with a knowing smile. “They say the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Well, I’ll do you one better: how about a universe with no people and all guns! If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I say!” He shouted with an exuberant yeehaw! while dancing and firing a pair of six-shooters in the air.
See also: “New Study Shows You’re Right About Everything”
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