The Grinches of Fox News
The “War on Christmas” has always been bogus, but the political right’s war on the spirit of Christmas is very real.
This post is by Contributor Timothy Wood.
‘Tis the season for invented outrage and the perennial “War on Christmas.” There have been many brave souls lost in the fight, such as Rush Limbaugh, Tucker Carlson, and of course, Bill O’Reilly, whose career tragically perished in the allied sexual harassment bombings of 2017. A far cry from our Judeo-Christian traditions as depicted in historical documentaries like The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) and Mad Men (2007–2015) — back when folks had the God-given right to put their mistress on the company card after drinking half a bottle of scotch at nine in the morning.
The latest development on this imaginary battlefront is the right-wing rage against gay nutcrackers and black Santa figurines being sold at Target. Unfortunately for these culture warriors, the real war they have been fighting — one for attention and relevance — has been a losing cause. It’s time to announce an evacuation from Christmas-stan, because the battle is already over. Christmas won, because it was never actually under attack, but in their tilting at secularist windmills, cultural conservatives have done collateral damage to the Christmas spirit.
The fury over black Santa probably shouldn’t surprise us. If mermaids have taught us anything, it’s that some people get really defensive when you mess with the ethnicity of fictional characters. But if you’re taking to Facebook to complain that the black guy isn’t the real Santa, you’re probably the dumbest kid in third grade. I guess it falls to me to break it to you: Mommy and Daddy buy the presents. As for gay nutcrackers, we should all have seen this coming. This is a guy who wears his military regalia every day for no reason and exists so people can put their nuts in his mouth. The only thing defective here is your crappy gaydar.
This year’s foremost Grinch is Riley Gaines, with whom I unfortunately share an alma mater at the University of Kentucky. She rose to prominence as a critic of the transgender movement after losing a swimming competition to a trans athlete. Now she implores us on national news to get worked up over the offerings at Target: “It doesn’t make sense. You have to ask yourself, why do they keep pushing this? Who are they trying to appeal to?”
Even if Gaines had a novel personal anecdote about a trans athlete, one that opens the door to some contentious but needed conversations, how does that translate into being mad about a Santa doll in a wheelchair? A “black disabled Santa has gone way too far,” she tells us. But why do you give a damn? I’m betting nobody in a wheelchair ever beat you at a swim meet. I realize that “Are you blonde and thin?” is a core qualification for a woman to go on Fox News, but maybe there’s a kid in a wheelchair somewhere who still loves Santa and perhaps it’s a nice gesture. It’s a little on-the-nose to have a collegiate athlete go on television and complain about people who can’t walk. The anti-woke to Archie Bunker pipeline is always something to behold in action.
To answer her question, maybe Target is appealing to gay or black people? You do know that some people are gay, bi, or black… right? We went to school in the gayest city in the state. There’s a two-story gay bar within walking distance of the University, and it’s so central to the nightlife in Lexington that it’s most often just called The Bar. Go downtown. Find the Woodsongs Old Time Radio Hour and keep walking a few meters until the folk music starts to blend with Whitney Houston.
It’s always ironic to see the broad outrage over things like dolls and figurines coming from the free market folks, who trust consumers to make rational choices and businesses to provide a profitable selection, all naturally without intervention. Outside intervention in business would obviously be Socialism™. Riley gives speeches at capitalism book clubs. So if you don’t like what Target sells, go shop at Walmart. It’s only fitting. We Kentuckians may look good by comparison because we’re next to West Virginia, but we’re a solidly Walmart crowd.
There are plenty of consumer products that piss me off. I’m offended that people buy disposable single-use vapes with rechargeable batteries. I'm offended that crocs exist. I’m offended that Southern Comfort has the gall to call itself whiskey. (We take whiskey seriously here.) I’m offended that Red Bull tastes like a urinal cake smells. Who are they trying to appeal to? Obviously not me, because these aren’t things I buy.
Besides, nobody uses nutcrackers to actually crack nuts anyway. Through the wonders of capitalism, we’ve invented ways to get nuts pre-cracked before you buy them. A nutcracker is a purely decorative accoutrement for a holiday that demands tacky decor. I have no less than five Christmas stockings hanging in my house. I don’t have a fireplace, but even if I did, I wouldn’t use it to dry my socks because that’s a fire hazard. It’s not even a real sock anyway. You can’t wear it. It’s decorative. If I want to buy a stocking with a pride flag, excessive glitter, and a picture of black Freddie Mercury and trans Elton John mud wrestling with Japanese RuPaul, then I’ll damn well do it. It’s a free country.
The point of capitalism is supposed to be choice. I buy what I want; I don’t buy what I don’t want. I don’t display a Nativity scene because I’m not Christian, and it doesn’t impose on my freedom that someone has to walk by one in Target. That’s the fuel that Christmas often runs on. I find the consumerism of it all as offensive as the next person, but I find it more so when we hold the consumerism so central to the meaning of the holiday that we’re outraged at the thought of someone else buying something we wouldn’t.
Christmas’s place atop the holiday food chain is not because of any deep-rooted tradition, but because businesses want to sell you shit. We buy things for kids, which is genuinely nice, seeing as they can’t spell or drive, and don’t have jobs or money. Adults are busy working to get money, and they largely buy each other things that nobody wants. Nobody really wants the Axe Body Spray gift set or another useless kitchen appliance.
Christmas is an industry of buying and giving things, even if we don’t have the money, even if we have to use credit cards, and all just to save face for consumer spending rates and retail profits. Black Friday is literally named after retailers going “in the black” (positive) as opposed to “in the red” (negative) for the year. It’s a secular holiday dedicated to rabid consumerism. Stores don’t start playing Christmas music a thousand years ahead of time because they like it. They play it because it’s a reminder that you need to buy stuff in a competition to buy the most stuff. It’s evolved to the point where we have grandmas fist fighting each other over a Playstation, and that’s how you know it’s a religion. We have entered an area where consumerism has its own dogmas.
Target is a business that sells things people buy. It’s peak capitalism. For all the talk about cancel culture from the left, we forget about cancel culture from the right — the OG cancelers.
I cut down our Christmas tree at a farm with a hand saw. My daughter and I dragged it probably 250 meters to the car. That’s Christmas. Like much of our lives, it’s experience, story, and memory. If we want to recapture that elusive Christmas spirit, let’s spend time with the people we cherish. Reconnect with old friends. Buy somebody a pint and chips over a warm conversation instead of a panini press that they’ll probably throw away or forget about. Cook good food. Drink actual Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey (which we have a strong opinion about). Holidays are a finite resource, and we all eventually run out of them. We can have all the stuff in the world, and it’s never going to stack up against time and people. Two of my best friends from highschool had very different years in 2023. One buried his dad. The other came very close, but after a long struggle they’re both home for the holidays. You never really know what side of the coin you will land on.
If someone is buying a gay nutcracker or a black Santa to decorate their home and you’re offended by it, you’re probably not invited over for dinner anyway. And if I know anything about Jesus, he’s going to want a few words about loving your neighbor, whether they be whores or lepers or people who literally killed your friends.
Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. Festivus for the rest of us. Enjoy whatever it is you do, however you do it, as long as it’s with the people you love, even if they’re a black Santa with nuts in his mouth. We all have certain parts of the season we could do without. At the end of the day, however, it’s about people coming together, not pushing each other apart. The Grinch is supposed to be the bad guy who has a redemption arc, not the dickhead who spends decades on cable news complaining about the villagers.
See also: “The Things You Bought But Don’t Own”
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